I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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