I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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