Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize