Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
