Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize