while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
