I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
