We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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