on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
