If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
