You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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