Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
