I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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