Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
