My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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