Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
