Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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