did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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