Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
