20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
