She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
