She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
