i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
