He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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