Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
