dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
