Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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