I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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