girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
