Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
