pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
