He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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