Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
