so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
