I wannas sexs uuuuu
Someone shit on the floor
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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