I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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