It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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