nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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