I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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