we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
