So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I intend to get homeless drunk
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
