why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
