I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
