I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
