Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
