Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
