Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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