what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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