i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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