im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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