I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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