I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
