i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
