this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
