Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
