My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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