'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
