Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize