i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
