I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
