my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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