but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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